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A List of Lests
Jon Reinhardt
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L*STS: an Essay Daily Happening | About & Contents
Lists | Lasts | Losts | Lusts | Lests | Other
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- I've passed on another drink I really could have used,
- lest I should suffer a hangover..
- I've passed on the jalapeño pizza,
- lest I should get heartburn...
- I've skipped dessert,
- lest I should get fat...
- I've passed on joints, or only pretended to inhale,
- lest it make me paranoid...
- I've left before a party really got going, sometimes with an Irish goodbye,
- lest I should make a drunken fool of myself...
- I've deleted social media from my phone,
- lest it suck away all my time...
- I've deleted a really witty but mean reply before posting it
- lest I should get into a pointless argument with a random stranger...
- I've made up an email address to get access to an article
- lest I should receive unwanted email spam...
- I've made up a phone number to get a discount code
- lest I should receive unwanted phone spam...
- I've set my alarm on both my phone and on my watch, as well as ordered a wake-up call
- lest I should wake up late...
- I've made list of things I could easily have memorized, made up weird mnemonics to remember things, and scribbled things down in the middle of the night after being awaken by them,
- lest I should forget them...
- I've worn a mask, gloves, and protective eyewear, a hat (including ill-fitting ones), a coat or extra layer, a back brace, aknee wrap, and an elbow wrap
- lest I should become sick, scratched, maimed, sunburned, cold, or hurt...
- I've bought trip insurance
- lest I should have to cancel a trip...
- I've packed a backup pair of glasses, an extra eye mask, earplugs, extra sleeping drugs, and extra adapters, dongles, and cords (though still sometimes the wrong ones) in my carry-on
- lest my checked bag be lost...
- I've changed my flight to a longer layover
- lest my first flight be late...
- I've put secret treat stashes around the house for the cat
- lest the catsitter forget to come and the cat starve...
- I've woken up my cat to say goodbye
- lest she forget me...
- I've gotten to the airport way too early
- lest there be traffic or long security lines...
- I've texted a heart to my partner just before putting my phone into airplane mode
- lest he forget that I love him...
- I've texted 'landed' or the little landing plane icon to my partner immediately after touching down
- lest he worry...
- I've not put my phone into airplane mode,
- lest I should have to send a final 'I will always love you' message, and the plane should go down, and we should pass a random cell tower that might catch it and relay it to him, so he would always know...
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The conjunction 'lest', which means 'in case something undesirable happens', is increasingly considered archaic. This is unfortunate because it has a power we are losing in late modern English by triggering the subjunctive mood, reserved for talking about hypotheticals, desires, suggestions, and alternate universes without resorting to the clunky indicative mood. Just by adding a modal like 'should', or by dropping the third person singular -s, we are brought into a space for imagining the best--our unrealized desires and hopes and imagined worlds, or the worst--a safe place to be obsessive, paranoid, or anxious. Nowadays, however, we say things like 'If I was rich', as if we already were, deluding ourselves with the indicative, because let's face it, we'll probably never be rich as we are imagining ourselves, as it were. When we speak, the subjunctive reminds us and whoever hears us that we realize what we're saying is not true, though it might have been, or it might yet be. Imagine the best and the worst, but no worries, it's safely contained grammatically. Long live the subjunctive!
Jon Reinhardt is a middle-aged grammar professor who travels a lot, doesn't take unnecessary risks, and tries not to think about statistical probability, because he is generally lucky. For this reason, he is a big fan of the subjunctive mood and wishes it were not forgotten. He is the Head of the English Department at the University of Arizona.
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